Chiseled abs and bulging biceps
Ah, the majestic fitness center, where dreams of chiseled abs and bulging biceps come to life… or so we’d like to believe. As a seasoned gym-goer, I’ve witnessed a spectacle unlike any other: the curious case of how NOT to train at the gym. Brace yourselves, folks, because we’re about to embark on a journey through the hallowed halls of the exercise room, where vanity reigns supreme and gains are but a distant dream for many.
How to prepare yourself before going to the gym
Picture this: you stroll into the gym, ready to break a sweat and conquer those weights. But wait, hold the protein shake! Before you even think about touching a dumbbell, there’s a checklist to follow. First up, it’s crucial to spend an excessive amount of time perfecting your pre-gym look.
Raise your gym game by treating your pre-workout routine like a high-stakes fashion show – wash away any traces of yesterday’s style and sculpt your hair into a masterpiece fit for the runway. And for the ladies, don’t hold back on the makeup – because a smoky eye and contoured cheekbones are essential gym accessories, right?
Apply makeup with the precision of a seasoned artist. And who says fitness can’t be fabulous?
Let every inch of you declare, “I woke up like this… flawless.”
Elevate your gym attire game by donning your luxurious, branded sport shoes that cost more than some people’s monthly rent. Coordinate them flawlessly with your designer t-shirt and pants, because even sweat sessions deserve a touch of elegance and sophistication.
How to get to the gym?
Now, onto transportation. Forget about eco-friendly modes like biking or walking – those are so passé. Instead, hop into your luxury vehicle and drive right up to the entrance. Make life easier for yourself by strategically parking as close as possible to the gym entrance – after all, why exert unnecessary effort when you’re about to break a sweat inside?
Who cares about a little extra carbon footprint when you can’t risk breaking a sweat before your workout even begins?
Behaviour in the gym
Once inside, it’s showtime, folks. Step into the gym like you’re stepping onto a movie set – with a fresh hair wash and makeup so on point it could rival a Hollywood starlet’s. Strut your stuff with purposeful strides, ensuring all eyes are on you. Conduct yourself in the gym with the grace and poise of a experienced athlete.
Upon stepping into the gym, whip out your phone like a seasoned paparazzo, capturing that perfect gym selfie from the most flattering angle, ensuring optimal lighting to accentuate those gains, and promptly sharing it across every conceivable social media platform for the world to admire, ensuring maximum engagement and admiration from your online audience – because if you didn’t post it, did the workout even happen?
As you chat with fellow gym enthusiasts, amplify your voice to stadium-level proportions, making sure that your words reverberate throughout the entire facility. And when laughter bubbles up, let it cascade like a waterfall of joy, each peal more melodious and captivating than the last, because in the gym, every interaction is an opportunity to shine.
Training in the gym
But enough about appearances – let’s talk about actual exercise.
Gym Machine Workout
Grab a machine (opt for a seated machine, where you can exert maximum force with minimal effort, all while reclining in comfort and style), and drape your branded towel over it like a trophy. Bonus points if you strategically place your designer backpack nearby, because who needs consideration for fellow gym-goers when you’ve got status to maintain?
Now, here’s where the real magic happens: the workout itself. Start with a weight so light it’s practically nonexistent, then proceed to flail your limbs in the general vicinity of the equipment. Forget proper form – momentum is your best friend here. And when it comes to rest periods, remember: sitting is the new standing. Why risk injury by actually standing up when you can lounge comfortably between sets?
And let’s not forget about those all-important social media interactions.
With each rep and set, feel the anticipation building for the next epic gym selfie – capturing your strength and determination in action. Share it far and wide, because in the digital age, every moment is an opportunity for online acclaim and admiration.
Use your downtime to respond to every comment on your gym selfies with exaggerated tales of your workout prowess. Because nothing says “fitness influencer” like humblebragging about your gym exploits.
Give yourself a solid 10-minute break to catch your breath and refuel. Can’t rush the rest period – it’s just as important as the workout itself! Even champions need a break! #RechargeTime
Don’t bother yourself that you’ll take the place from another person who is so primitive that he hasn’t taken any selfies yet.
After the second set, answer all the questions under your selfies and post answers like:
- “I’m in the middle of my workout.
- I think my sweat could fill a swimming pool!”
- “Feeling GREAT after lifting”
- “Just lifted my personal best. I think I heard the weights crying!”
- “The weights need protection from me”
- “Just did a killer set of reps…”
Don’t forget to use hashtags like: #FitnessGoals #WorkoutMotivation #NoPainNoGain #GetStrong #TrainHard #NoExcuses #SweatItOut
Dumbbells and Barbells
As for equipment etiquette, who needs it? Slam those dumbbells down with reckless abandon – the louder, the better. After all, you’re not here to make friends; you’re here to make a statement.
Forget about quietly placing those weights down like a civilized person.Let the whole gym know you mean business by dropping those weights like thunderbolts from the sky.
Remind everyone around you of the sheer intensity of your effort!
Treadmill
Why settle for a treadmill tucked away in a corner when you can command the attention of the entire gym?
Choose the one strategically positioned for maximum visibility – because your workout deserves an audience and front-row seat.
With the precision of a master craftsman, delicately place your branded sports bottle on the treadmill, making sure the logo is perfectly visible and aligned to all bystanders.Because hydration isn’t just about quenching your thirst, it’s also about flaunting your favorite brands!
Adjust the treadmill to a gentle walking speed, then kick it into high gear with an exaggerated running motion that screams ‘I’m training for the Olympics and would make even the most seasoned track star blush.
You can make a bold statement, surprise everyone with your amazing running technique.
Call one of your friend during your run, but increase your voice so as everyone would be able to hear you. No matter what your friend says you speak about your positive aspects: after all your goal is that the people surrounding you would acknowledge your greatness.
Some sample sentences:
- Hey there, just thought I’d give you a call while I’m crushing this run on the treadmill. Let me tell you about all the incredible strides I’m making in my fitness journey…
- Hey buddy, just wanted to share some good vibes with you while I’m out here on the treadmill. Oh, you’re curious about how my day is going? Let me tell you about all the amazing things I’m accomplishing right now…
- Hey, just thought I’d brighten your day with a call from yours truly while I’m running like the wind on this treadmill. Let me tell you about the boundless energy and unstoppable determination coursing through my veins right now…
- Hey, hope you don’t mind me interrupting your day with a call from the treadmill. Because when you’re as amazing as I am, it’s important to share the love, right? Oh, you’re asking about my workout? Let me regale you with tales of my incredible endurance and unwavering commitment to greatness…
- Hey there, just wanted to spread some positivity your way with a call from my treadmill session. I’llpaint you a picture of my unparalleled strength and determination…
If no friend is available, you can just pretend that you are calling, but the scenario is the same.
Don’t push yourself to the brink of exhaustion with prolonged running sessions – you can achieve greatness in just 5 short minutes … let’s be real: there’s no time to waste on excessive perspiration – it’s all about achieving maximum results with minimal effort!
Instead make another selfie and write under your picture on of these:
- Just ran 5 miles on the treadmill. I think I left a permanent footprint!
- Feeling like a treadmill superhero after powering through 5 miles like a boss!
- Another day, another 5 miles conquered on the treadmill!
… with these hashtags:
#marathon #RunningBeast #FastFeet #RaceReady #PBHunter #MileCrusher #SpeedDemon #RoadWarrior
But enough about appearances – let’s talk about actual exercise.
It is time to find another gym
After two months of relentless dedication, and wasted effort at this pathetic excuse for this so-called gym come to the conclusion that this gym is simply not worthy of your greatness.
In the perplexing world of fitness, where the pursuit of gains is an endless quest, one must inevitably face the harsh reality of stagnant muscle growth. But fear not, dear gym-goer, for the blame does not fall upon your shoulders – oh no, it lies elsewhere, in the realm of the gym itself and its myriad shortcomings.
Despite your unwavering dedication to the iron paradise, your muscles remain stubbornly unchanged, defying all logic and reason. But fret not, for it is not your fault. No, it is the fault of the gym and its myriad deficiencies, which conspire against you at every turn.
You see, it’s not that you failed to adhere to a consistent workout routine or neglected proper nutrition – perish the thought! It’s simply that the gym’s equipment was not up to par, hindering your progress at every turn. Those outdated machines and subpar weights are clearly to blame for your lack of advancement.
And let us not forget the atmosphere of the gym itself, which is woefully inadequate in its ability to inspire greatness. The lighting is all wrong, the music is uninspiring, and don’t even get me started on the lack of motivational posters. How can one be expected to achieve greatness in such a lackluster environment?
Of course, there’s also the matter of the gym’s staff, who are clearly not doing enough to support your journey to swole-dom. Where are the personalized training sessions? The words of encouragement? It is obviously their duty to meticulously observe your training each minute you are there (preferably multiple trainers at once, from various angles, each taking notes) and meticulously correct event the slightest mistakes you make.The stern reminders to check your form? It’s as if they don’t even care about your progress!
And let us not overlook the crucial role that hydration plays in muscle growth. It’s not that you failed to drink enough water – don’t even entertain the thought! It’s simply that the gym’s water fountain was not up to par, failing to dispense the electrolyte-infused liquid gold that your muscles so desperately crave.
And what about recovery, you ask? Surely, that must be the missing piece of the puzzle. But no, it’s not that you failed to prioritize rest and recovery – let’s not entertain that idea! It’s simply that the gym’s ambiance was not conducive to a zen-like state of relaxation, hindering your body’s ability to repair and rebuild.
In conclusion, dear gym-goer, fear not the absence of progress, for the fault lies not with you, but with the gym itself. So cast aside your doubts and frustrations, and instead direct your ire towards those responsible for your lack of progress – the gym and its myriad deficiencies. Only then will you truly be free to pursue the gains that have thus far eluded you.
Because clearly, it’s not you – it’s them. The insufficient development of your muscles speaks volumes about their incompetence .
It’s like they’re actively trying to prevent you from gaining muscle.
Time to bid farewell to this failure of a gym and find a new gym where they actually knows how to make gains happen.
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